It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
