omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i think my tv is drunk
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
