Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
