Don't you send me to vm
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
