He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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