i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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