i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
