I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
