I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
