did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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