Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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