I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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