i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
