hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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