We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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