Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
