Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
