i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
