i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
