I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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