Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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