Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
