do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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