Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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