His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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