i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
