One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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