literally had 100 drinks last night.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
