forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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