I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
