I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
