my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
