I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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