Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
