I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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