I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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