I wish my penis had an off switch
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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