even my farts smell like vagina
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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