I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
