Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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