to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She's the barista slut.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
