I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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