Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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