I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
