Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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