Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
