Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
