I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
