Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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