You just made me feel so damn special
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My balls are so social today.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
