I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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