and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
