I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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