My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
