Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
