My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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